This is the big one, the big julep. Should this day go well, I will bathe myself in bourbon. Should this day follow suit with every other day, I'll drink that bourbon.
Good Ol' Pete and I have put the ABC on a treadmill, the steambox and fed it Hydroxycut and the results are amazing. The videos are trimmer, shorter and possess an unrivaled sex appeal. Check out the new videos for Oaks Day Recap and Kentucky Derby Preview. Or don't. Jerks.
11:19 ... All insults aside, it's nice to see my dirty turf writer colleagues actually dressed up for a change. I don't see one Hawaiian shirt and no traces of body odor. I think many of them shaved as well. It's like the prom all over again.
So you KNOW something special is going to happen.
11:24 ... If you tried to place your bets ahead of time and got a dirty look from your teller, it was because I Want Revenge scratched this morning and she's tired of telling people about it.
The morning line favorite as of Wednesday was scratched this morning after an undiagnosed problem was detected in his left front ankle by trainer Jeff Mullins.
Mullins begins a suspension tomorrow for bringing illegal substances into the security barn on the Wood Memorial undercard, not to mention the slew of infractions he has accrued over the years.
Any believers in karma need look no further than here.
11:43 ... Time to start gambling. I'm getting cold sweats.
12:07 ... 50 cent Pick 4 just started. I went wide since this was somewhat affordable. I hit the first leg with 4-1 Glenwood Canyon. He took the lead from Northern Prince at the top of the lane and drew away with an eighth to go.
Next leg I've got two horses in Why Tonto and Mr Maccool. Why Tonto, why anything?
12:10 ... it is a bummer that Revenge is out. It would have been nice to see the 19-year-old jockey Joe Talamo get a shot here at roses.
"Really, I'm at a loss for words," he said. "I'm just glad the horse is OK. It could have been a lot worse. Something could have happened on he track. I'm just glad it happened in the stall and I believe everyone did the right thing by the horse. He's the one who got us here, so you have to the right thing by him."
12:42 ... Dead. Calvin Borel strikes again with 16-to-1 Jazz in the Park. Desert Wheat took second and Pick Six was third. What does all this mean? Losing never rests.
1:01 ... Friesan Fire is the 4-1 favorite right now five hours to post. Funny, if you did an Oaks-Derby Daily Double with Rachel Alexandra and Friesan Fire, you would make less money than if you simply bet Friesan to win.
1:25 ... Hit first leg of rebound-Pick 3 ticket with the mudlark Accredit. Alive with Four Gifts and Auspicious. Dead with hope and good cheer.
1:30 ... We need more votes for ABC feedback. Call it insecurity, call it what you will, I call it research. This survey extends beyond just the pilot, but also to our shorter clips. Get used to the shorter clips. They are easier on the eyes.
We are working on a Fat Head of Jeannine Edwards. Stay tuned.
1:42 ... I'd like to say hello to the most gracious employers I have ever had in the Fleet Feet crew at Adams Morgan, Washington D.C. My flat arches have never felt better. Overpronators unite. Hello to Shawn, Roger, Kim, Jan and Phil. If I have left anyone off this hello, too bad.
2:14 ... Great win for Four Gifts. Great only because it kept me alive in a Pick 3 and gave Good Ol' Pete a $760 win.
2:34 ... Will pays for me are $111 or $375. A more accurate term is Possibly Pays. If I had to define it, it would be Never Pays.
That said, it's julep time. See you soon.
3:13 ... Like I said, Never Pays.
3:14 ... Pi entry ... The time between races is agonizingly long now. Up next is the Humana Distaff. Game Face should wins this.
So, I've been alive heading into the last leg of my Pick 3's twice this weekend and they have all been flushed down the toilet like a goldfish.
Tizaqueena ran a gutsy race in the Churchill Distaff Turf Mile. She ran away from challengers the way my dates run for the exit.
3:37 ... I'm gonna go get my GAME FACE on. Uh huh, that's right. My face is ready for the game. My face is going to be in the winner's circle.
As I said yesterday, my hope is that I can at least get a whiff of success. But, success is like a good perfume, you can only smell it from close up. However, you can only smell it when the wearing allows you to be close.
Hence my lingering stench of failure.
4:14 ... I hate this sport.
4:16 ... Seriously, I mean it.
4:20 ... I'm not taking it back.
The problem is that losing never gets old even for the perpetual loser. I mean this in a handicapping sense, but it is easy for this to bleed over into other facets of life, say, everything.
Is losing the opiate of losing?
4:59 ... Excuse me, please excuse me. I'm in a terrible, terrible mood.
Well, Einstein held off Cowboy Call in the Woodford Turf Reserve. There was really never any doubt. Sure, he was contested, but when a horse like Einstein locks eyes he is not going to lose.
That makes two Grade I wins on two different surfaces for this horse-of-all-trades — his other big win coming in the Grade I Santa Anita Handicap.
5:06 ... So we got our first "hated it" vote for ABC and I almost have to agree. I need more feedback. When 20 percent of all voters hate it, one has to listen.
5:14 ... Leanne Rimes just sang the National Anthem. Frankly, the one she did when she was 9-years-old at Texas Stadium was better. I have no basis for this.
6:53 ... So angry. Mine That Bird won the most prestigious race in the world.
7:03 ... Mine That Bird had nothing going for him. Nothing. His highest Beyer was an 81. He had zero significant works. His only graded earnings came in a third-place finish in the Grade III Grey at Woodbine as a 2-year-old.
The only thing — and I mean only thing — he had going for him was that his sire is Birdstone.
7:07 ... This is your classic Taco Bell day. I think I'll have a Grilled Stuft Burrito, hold the dignity.
7:08 ... So I watched this useless race in the winner's circle, and when Calvin Borel stormed up the rail, he pointed his whip right at me — and only me — as he shocked the world.
Birdstone screwed us again. First by spoiling Smarty Jones' bid at the Triple Crown and now THIS.
This is the end, this is the end of horse racing.
7:15 ... Well friends, we've had a lot of fun, ups and many downs. Thanks for sticking with me. We'll bring you the ABC Kentucky Derby recap tonight, sure to be filled with rage and tears.